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[25 Mar 2008|03:41am] |
So i really don't know what it is, but the insomnia is back. It's weird because I began to construct a list for myself every time that it happened so that i could try to pinpoint a cause, but right about now absolutely nothing applied except for maybe a bit of financial guilt (i blame it on the splurge on the purse, coat, various clothing, haircut and dye, leonard cohen tickets, and camera course that i signed up for), all of which were splurges save for the last which i'm actually really excited about.even looking at that list simply hurts... ouch. other than that, things have been going pretty well for me. new boy, still at the job (where i've been offered a job until wheneever i leave come fall). So all i can put it down to is my early mornings (i haven't been able to make my old english class for a while as a result of my propensity to stay up so late/not be able to sleep... for example, there is no way in hell i'm planning on being up in 2.5 hours to go to class, then go to work, then come home and work on editing the two essay i have due thursday. So early mornings plus just the pressure that i've been putting on myself to do well and get good marks... i guess a pressure that i haven't quite been living up to, particularly now when i factor in my fourth year itis... aka my jekyll and hyde 'i'm graduating so soon, i just want to fuck it' versus my 'no, you have to do well and get into a great grad school!' dilemma. sometimes it's hard battling those inner urges to neglect something, particularly when you're already so tired from all the work. i feel as though i haven't stopped writing essays in seven weeks now, and looking back on my calendar the past several weeks, i realise that that's true... i've had an essay due every single week, occasionally two essays weekly, since the beginning of february. it has been a long, arduous process, but it's almost done. three more essays, and two more exams... i can't wait until this semester is done with. i need to not have to worry about 6:30am wake-ups anymore... killer.
i also think i might have carpal tunnel. or something. my wrist is so fucked up it very frequently hurts to type. like now. which is why i'm giving up in favour of another attempt to sleep. typing with one hand takes a long time.
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| vive la france? |
[15 Feb 2008|05:22pm] |
So i had a miniature panic attack earlier this week because all of a sudden all of my plans for next year, my two years and seven month-long trip around the world, blew up and i needed to change them. Corey chickened out and no longer wants to go - saying she might just meet me next summer in thailand, but that would have left me backpacking through northern africa, and asia by myself. but i decided that i still wanted to do it, but instead of backpacking and traveling more and volunteering less, i thought that it might be a good chance for me to travel through predominantly through volunteer work. Unfortunately, this is not a cheap enterprise, so with Corey dropping out this trip became exponentially more expensive. So i started working like crazy, stopped buying anything, dropped a course to pick up more hours in which to work, and pulled odd-jobs on the side. I pushed my trip from September 19th to November 16th to give myself some extra money-making time (and to actually be able to go to my graduation, which because of my need for one more credit this summer now that i dropped a course for the aforementioned money won't be until mid-novemeber), but i just don't think i'll be able to save up enough to what i had wanted to do. I'm worried that i'd be tight on money and therefore would have to scrimp anywhere and miss out on seeing so much on what i would like to see. Sure, going on an elephant ride in Thailand through the northern provinces is most certainly not only touristy, but therefore not cheap, but i still would like to do it! If i'm there, i want to do it right. So that was the source of my early-week crisis. And i just now after talking it over with myself all week think that i may have come to a decision that is not only perhaps more practical at this stage in my life, but also cheaper, and thinking about it brings me a feeling of inner-peace as opposed to my freak out fest of a few days ago. What inner turmoil.
So i've been literally talking for years of my desire to re-learn French once again and become fluent. I've tried teaching myself (for which i never have the time nor will-power), as well as looking for cheap lessons, to trying to register for French II at UofT (which not only made me afraid for my gpa, but also unfortunately conflicted with a class that i really wanted to take), so i kept putting it off. So i was out with the boy i'm seeing for valentines last night, and we were just talking about why i was so confused, and we were talking about all of my possibilities when i off-handedly mentioned that i had always wanted to live in France for a bit to pick up the language.And as soon as i said it; i stopped, and was like... Why not? 35 hour work weeks, 6 weeks vacation time, no negative stigma attached to drinking wine at breakfast or lunch (or at any time of day - i love my red wine), and a beautiful travel hub to my european favourites (the uk, netherlands, spain, germany and switzerland), plus a really cheap hub to places that i really want to go in northern africa like morocco and egypt. So... why not go with SWAP, live in Paris for a year, make some Euros, meet some new friends, and travel to my heart's content? Taken from the SWAP website:
"With 22 regions, France has so much to offer. Visit the trendy boutiques along the Champs-Elysées in Paris; savour a warm baguette and Brie at Place de la Comédie in Montpellier, be captivated by the beautiful colours of Saint Stephen’s Cathedral in Metz, or walk through the vineyards and taste the fabulous wines of the Bordeaux region. What a wonderful country to experience culture, fashion, art, history and fine wine."
... And best of all, i would no longer have to kill myself working. And i could start shopping again for clothes. Because fashion is definitely in-vogue in Paris.And did i mention that i can drink wine all the time?
:)
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[28 Dec 2007|02:34am] |
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i think that the fact that i've awoken the past two nights, in the midst of christmas vacation, to nightmares of having terrible marks in my fourth year is a sign of my preoccupation and utterly stressed out because of school. whyyy. luckily these past two days have most graciously been days without a set wake-up time. hello, hangover recovery time :)
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[14 Dec 2007|11:36am] |
My boss came in this morning and said to me, "you were gone one day, and my life fell apart".
... that makes me feel good. and important :)
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| second of december |
[03 Dec 2007|12:23am] |
so i'm attempting to undergo a practicum of literary catharsis. i don't know exactly if it's because i have a tendency to come on lj at around four am and if it's because it's so late that it's easier to fall asleep afterwards, or whether the process of writing really is cathartic in a sense, but i figure it's time to post more than the occasional complaint in here. and if it permits me to go to sleep before four am, then i won't complain. this is really becoming emo-journal. i'm not quite sure whether or not i can rectify that; as they say, drama and depression makes the best story. or at least, the best mood to write said story.
so i don't know how the fuck it got to be december. i was quite shocked to find snow on the ground this morning, this year has literally just flown by. maybe it's because of the weather change and the fact that we had warm weather right up until november that makes this change all the more dramatic, but it really feels like week was summer; like yesterday was fall. i remember the first day it snowed lightly a week or so ago, and i was shocked because the trees had yet to fully shed their foliage, and the ground was ablaze with fiery red leaves, dusted lightly with a brilliant white. it was beautiful, but also surreal. it's not often you get this sort of merging of seasons (and in so literal a perspective as well), and i have a feeling that it will become much more commonplace in the impending years as the climate gets increasingly screwed up.
this week is going to be slightly hellish, particularly tuesday. i have three exams this week and one essay due. come tuesday at nine pm, two of those exams as well as the essay will be over with (at the cost of having a brutally packed and intellectually strenuous day), and then after friday i have a lovely month off to hopefully get back into some sort of equilibrium. i'm not sure if the fact that i have two jobs lined up for the entirety of the break will be conducive to giving myself a much needed 'reprieve' and 'break', but i won't complain about the fact that i'll be making some extra cash, which is really direly needed at this point. i really want to buy a digital slr for my travels next year, but that would put me out around a thousand dollars, while the tesl course i'd like to take before i leave is a similarly sized chunk out of my wallet. so yes, two jobs... but money. i'm hoping regardless that the weight of school off my mind will help... but five more days, and we'll see.
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[23 Oct 2007|03:54am] |
So i'm now in my second week of insomnia. It's gotten to the point where i can no longer function during the day, my school work is suffering severely, and i can't focus at work. I think it started because i was overworked and stressed out. I got a new job and i'm still in the transition phase of completing my two weeks notice at the old job, and working the new. So last week i worked 35 hours, and also had two midterms, an essay, and a presentation. Last Tuesday i had two midterms and an essay. I spent all night lying awake in bed tossing and turning. When my mom woke up to go to work at six i was outside pacing the hall freaking out because i hadn't slept and my midterm was in three hours. My mom put me into her bed and i slept for about twenty minutes, tried getting up, and ended up skipping my exam and canceling my second day of work. A few hours and two sleeping pills later, it's noon and i still can't sleep. My dad went and bought me new sleeping pills which finally put me out for two hours before my night midterm, but my essay suffered, i didn't get a chance to finish editing. Since that day i haven't been able to sleep more than three to four hours a night. Sometimes less. Sleeping pills are ineffectual. i'm so tired i can't function but i also can't sleep. i've woken my dad up every night for the past week at around this time from sheer frustration, but decided to use my lj as a catharsis this time around with hopes that after writing all this shit out i'll maybe be able to go to sleep without anxiety.
Regardless, i have to be up in two and a half hours for my morning class (where i have a quiz awaiting) followed by work, and then i hafe a presentation on thursday. that's my biggest worry, i haven't been able to work on it befause i've been so tired, and it's worth 20% of my final grade and i've only read the material and have yet to start working on it. I don't know what i'm going to do.
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| From the desk of... |
[14 Aug 2007|01:27pm] |
So I definitely only now, three days before the end of my work contract, am accessing livejournal at work. Why, you may ask? Well, a) I finished the library database project that I’d been originally hired to do this summer. I showed it to my supervisor this morning, and all I got was an ‘excellent, excellent’, which is always a good thing. I’ve also been promised a glowing reference in the future, which is exciting in and of itself. Hopefully now I’ll be able to get into some really decent jobs. A good kick start to my potentially fruitless future as well, what with my graduating this coming year with a degree as an English literature specialist; but I digress. b) I also really don’t care what I go on on the internet anymore. Also, now that I’ve finished my work, what do they really expect me to do? C’est le temps pour faire de rien, je pense!
I’m also really excited because Friday equals end of contract, and Saturday equals… Costa Rica! Yes, traveling IS happening this summer! As of next Monday I will be completely inaccessible and backpacking through the Corcovado rainforest in the Osa Peninsula of Costa Rica. I will be camping in the jungle, fording rivers chock-full of bull sharks and crocodiles, climbing trees to escape the white-lipped peccaries, and potentially running the fuck away from jaguars. Corcovado is the most biologically dense and biodeiverse area in the world. My friend and I will be alone in the wilderness with nothing but our packs, the canopy, and a compass. If I don’t come back in one piece, at least I can say that I departed with an adventurous spirit (or perhaps ‘spirit’ could be adequately substituted for ‘stupidity’). Ah well. Until September, mes amies!
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[29 Jun 2007|02:29am] |
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mood |
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Okay, so long time no write. Actually, long time no internet, no tv, no home... etc.
BUT. Drinks with your current boyfriend with two of your ex-boyfriends at the table (COMPLETELY unanticipated and not wished for), could have been very awkward. One was (fortunately) very drunk. The other was kind of awkward. But all ended up getting along quite well, so not a bad thing at all. Still awkward, though.
And now i must be up for work in four hours... ugh.
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[25 May 2007|10:23pm] |
[mood|  relaxed]
[music| the queen]
omg, THE most beautiful one yet! I'm in love with the colour and the the set up. And House in his blue shirt. The really sexy one. It's kind of amazing. That right there totally and completely embodies season three House. :)
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[05 May 2007|10:46pm] |
[mood|  busy]
[music| ]
a) that was a LOT of work this week, i am entirely in no mood to study (pluswhich it's my last exam... always the time to get lazy).
b) new job is kind of intense. but i get paid a lot of money to pretend i know what i'm doing...
c) i didn't sleep more than six hours a night one single day this week, including today (saturday) because i worked at the other job at nine am. i also pulled three sixteen hour days this week. whee! i'm also drinking upwards of ten cups of coffee/tea a day to keep up my energy to study.
c) it's kind of sad when you type a facebook comment and then notice that your sentences not only rhyme, but are written ENTIRELY in iambic hexameter. unintentionally. actually, it was kind of crazy. and made me really happy. but again, in a sad way.
d) ordering my books for my courses next year already. imagine my shock when i saw that one of my courses has twelve novels, every single one of which is over six hundred pages, some up over a thousand. fuck you, victorian fiction! but i'm also really excited for it, i'll just have to start my readings... now.
e) i haven't watched House in three weeks.
f) i should stop procrastinating and study!
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[26 Apr 2007|07:20pm] |
[mood|  stressed]
[music| ]
i am SO overwhelmed.
i had two exams today, and i wrote 32 pages of essays. 32 pages! double spaced, but still! five hours of writing is a LOT of writing to do in one day, my hand was almost failing me in my second exam. But i think i did well. Think. So that's good, my mind is slightly at ease.
I was in a sort of relationship for a while which i had to end because i was simply not keeping up with life. I had a job interview last week, which i thought i completely botched and went away thinking i was an idiot. But i got a call yesterday that i got the job... so it looks like my full time employment, an office job with the government starts on Tuesday. I'm nervous because it's a lot of responsibility and i apparently have to talk to a lot of important people on the phone and attempt to get documents. And if i don't get them, the fault is mine cause apparently i wasn't persuasive or nice enough. Sound intimidating? It really kind of is.
So, my dilemma is now this. I don't have time to give two weeks notice to my current employer, and since i've been there three years i don't want to leave a bad impression. I'm scheduled to work there almost thirty hours next week, 95% of the hours conflict with the new job. Not only is this my problem, but i'm also working these hours during my exam period, with my current boss and a full-timer on vacation. So right now i've got two (pseudo) jobs, exams, and i have no one to cover my hours at my current employment. I know it will inevitably come to me fucking my boss over, and i just can't stand that. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
ALSO, i had to reschedule my trip to Czech (my plane ticket was from May 13th-24th) to September because i signed a contract to stay with the government job for the entirety of the summer. AND i was in the process of booking a flight/trip to NYC in July with Corey and Bonnie but i had to put that on hold. I also haven't watched this week's Entourage or House yet. That has never happened before.
I really didn't sleep at all last night, my mind just wouldn't stop running. Writing those 32 pages sucked even more on an insufficient amount of sleep.
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[10 Apr 2007|11:44pm] |
[mood|  busy]
[music| peter bjorn and john - amsterdam]
I think i may have some sort of residual bronchitis or something from my intense reading week sickness. My chest has been really tight ever since then. I kept meaning to get around to seeing a doctor, but i was so busy. And then last week when my chest started to get really sore, i remembered that my health card expired back in September. Oops. And i haven't even gotten around to getting it renewed. Come to think of it, my passport expired in January as well. And my driver's license is about to expire. And my cellphone broke over a month ago and i STILL haven't taken it in to be repaired, yet i'm still paying for full service. Evidently i'm severely lacking in my personal life, but on the other hand, i'm rocking school. I wrote four papers in two weeks, and i've gotten three back... all A's. I'm just waiting for my fourth one. I think i've been spoiled by my reception of good marks... if i get lower than an A, i think i just might be disappointed. Extremely disappointed. But i won't jinx myself. Evidently becoming a social pariah has latent positive effects... and i can't say i'm unhappy with the results.
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[30 Mar 2007|10:17pm] |
[mood| busy]
[music| modest mouse - ocean breathes salty]
I kind of feel like my life is starting to come back together, and it makes me happy.
On a whole other note, last night we went out for Suketu's birthday, a belated celebration. We were at a bar and i noticed someone who looked really familiar standing beside us, but i wasn't quite sure. So i turned to my friends and was like, "does that guy look familiar?" and they said, "yeah, that's Jack Layton". So i offered Suketu (who was already really drunk) five dollars to ask Jack Layton to smoke a joint with us. Mr. Layton was not impressed. I, however, nearly died laughing. And didn't even have to cough up five bucks.
And now i'm off to write my last official paper of the year.
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[28 Mar 2007|10:49pm] |
"I'm getting married in a month, and i get busted for smoking a fucking joint!?"
- Vito
... Definitely the funniest thing i've heard in a long time.
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[18 Mar 2007|02:24am] |
[mood|  tired]
[music| ]
The Shins live makes me unbelievably happy. They put on such an amazing show... it was almost unfathomable. And the fact that they played all but three songs off of Chutes too Narrow made me even more happy. They only played New Slang and Caring is Creepy off of Oh, Inverted World, and then maybe six or seven songs from Wincing the Night Away. It was an amazing set, probably about an hour and a half long - much longer than i expected. And when the crowd wouldn't leave until we got an encore, they almost had nothing left to play, so they played a cover of... Pink Floyd. Dark Side of the Moon to be exact. And my mind was blown. It was so brilliantly done, and had so much energy to it. At points they improvised and added some tambourine or some shakers, but it just made it all the more unique. Then they closed with So Says I... you just couldn't go wrong. Definitely one of the best live bands i've seen. Sometimes bands just don't translate from studio to a live audience, but man they hold their own. Incomparable, almost. The Shins know what they're doing, and when they come back i'm going to be there all over again.
Now time to work on those two essays due Tuesday.
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[06 Mar 2007|11:13pm] |
[mood|  excited]
[music| ]
Wow, another update so soon? Quel unusual!
But i am so happy that i finished my essay before tonight's episode of House, otherwise i would have gotten nothing done subsequently. Because...
( Spoilers for tonight's House ep )
... That is all.
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[06 Mar 2007|12:47am] |
[mood| busy]
[music| ]
Today while getting dressed i looked into my closet to decide on what to wear. I wanted to wear my long-sleeved orange-red shirt with my blue jeans. But then i had an intimation and said to myself, "no, that's what my professor is going to wear today". So i chose a different top and went to class. And there was my professor, in his long-sleeved orange-red top, matching with me only in our similarly coloured jeans, and our brown shoes. Had my caveat not come while i searched my closet this morning, it would have been weird. Or maybe the fact that i knew what he would wear today is even weirder. Even weirder than the fact that we've clothing matched pretty much identically on numerous occasions, perhaps?
Today i also (perhaps for the first time ever, or maybe just in my ability to recall) started an essay more than two days in advance. Five days in advance to be exact, and i'm halfway done. Go me.
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| deathsville |
[25 Feb 2007|10:06pm] |
[mood|  sick]
[music| ]
Remember when you were a little kid and your parents used to take care of you when you were sick?
... I miss those days.
I haven't been able to get out of bed since i got back from Calgary on Friday. And i even spent all day Thursday at Aaron's in bed. But i've been (unsuccessfully) self-medicating for three days now with no success except for an even bigger resulting headache and a lesser inclination to get out of bed. I wish i were small again so my mommy would make me soup and feed me medicine. Instead i'm eating crap that's easily grab-able (therefore the box of chocolates in my room is problematic) and collapsing all over the place while scrounging for any sort of medication that looks consumable. I also ate about 40 halls today. Which my brother informed me is not good. But the alternative (very painful coughing) is even less pleasant. I kind of just want to sleep until my body's all healed up again. Stupid me... i jinxed myself last week by saying that i hadn't been sick yet this winter. Silly, silly me.
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[07 Feb 2007|08:14pm] |
[mood|  sad]
[music| ]
so i just went through a good ol' bout of depression which included not wanting to get out of bed and crying on the bus. i realized how bad it was when i started crying in class yesterday. and then today i felt good and i went shopping and got my hair done and came home and my parents told me that my grandmother died earlier today. this is the first time i've had to deal with death. it's weird. and i was making a painting for my grandmother to bring her this summer. i guess it's kind of pointless now.
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[01 Feb 2007|09:33pm] |
[mood| busy]
[music| ]
I've been unbelievably tense for several weeks. I have this constant feeling of being confined within my own body, and i don't know how to make it stop. I've started going to the gym more to work off the excess energy and stretch it out somehow, but that hasn't worked. I've been eating healthily, cut down on work to free up some time... nothing has worked. I just feel constricted by absolutely everything. I was sitting on the bus yesterday and i almost had a break down (on more than one occasion) cause i felt trapped, and nothing seems to help. I needed to put down my book because i even felt confined by the written word. I also feel as though i haven't been happy in a really long time. Which is probably not entirely true, but i just feel that way. It's weird, and i'm running out of ideas.
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